My lovely wife has been gone visiting my family for the past three weeks so it has given me a fair amount of time to waste. And waste it I certainly have.
This week I have watched two movies that I knew would be a waste of my time, but I figured hey they are on cable and it makes for good background noise. The first was Two Headed Shark Attack. I thought for sure this had to be the single most stupid movie I had ever seen. So stupid that it made Monos Hands of Fate look like Oscar material.
Today however I upped the anti and watched Super Shark. Let me be frank, not only was this movie absolutely ridiculously stupid but it was clearly the work of somebody with no knowledge of just about anything portrayed in the movie.
The plot for instance reads like something of a fifth grader, with a vague knowledge of the BP oil spill of 2009. Apparently the writers speculated that a weathering agent used for the purposes of drilling allowed a prehistoric shark to be removed from suspended animation where it could then wreak havok on everything in its path.
Apparently the shark which lives under water has the ability to disrupt radio waves above water, ok sure possibly I guess but rather unlikely. Then again we are talking about a prehistoric shark related to the Megaladon that is roaming the oceans now clearly “unlikely” isn’t something the writers were concerned with. Of course they upped the anti on the unlikely category by introducing the super shark’s next ability, that of crawling around on land. Of course land walking isn’t enough, the shark could also apparently fly like a glider plane upon bursting from the water as well.
My favorite part came however when the military was introduced to the film. A Captain in the Army was put in charge of the mission to destroy the shark. Ok sure this is believable, one creature small unit, this part makes sense. Then you get a good look at the Captain’s uniform, he is quite clearly the Captain at an ROTC unit. As an ROTC captain he would be instructing students in a class room and about as far removed from a combat role as you could be.
What made me laugh even more however was at a meeting to discuss how to destroy the super shark the Captain mentions they have a secret weapon. This secret weapon is about as laughable as the super shark is all together. It is a tank, except that it moves around like a freaking Star Wars ATAT the damn thing had legs and looked like a tortured animal. Supposedly it was designed to traverse any terrain in Afghanistan.
It was quite clear the writers and the director have never worked with the military, nor consulted anybody from the military before even working on the movie. Let me be clear I am not a tanker, but I was assigned to a tank company in the Army for over 2 and a half years. I have spent some time on tanks, this made little sense. First of all it was manned by one person. A tank requires really a minimum of two, one to drive and one to load. Most U.S. tanks have a driver, a loader, a gunner, and a tank commander. But lets just say we have John Rambo driving this one man tank, lets go to issue number two. The freaking tank had legs. A tank ways over 70 tons, that is 140,000 pounds of metal. It takes enough fuel to power the jet engine and move this thing around on tracks already but freaking legs. Then you have to consider the balance issue of having a walking 140,000 pound monstrosity. Oh did I mention this monstrosity was walking on a sandy beach. A real tank would have been far more useful. Then again a real tank would have been far more useful in Afghanistan compared to this freak show creation.
Of course then the shark comes on land to combat the tank, a tank without the ability to traverse itself. Instead this impotent creation is forced to hobble around like a drunken toddler that just learned to walk. It meanders around the beach incapable of doing anything. It was as if the concept of a turret had never occurred to the writers.
Then again this was written by people who were quite obviously obsessed with making the oil industry look like an evil empire. From my experience with the crazy leftists they also have no love of the military and they most certainly wouldn’t have bothered to consult with them.
I did manage to watch it all the way through. But this was only in the interest of seeing just how stupid the movie could get. Don’t waste your time, I did it for you. This movie was nothing but thinly veiled propaganda and quite poorly at that.
